Prov. 3:5-6

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." -Prov 3:5-6

For a long time, I leaned on my own understanding. I strayed from the faith I had as a child. Slowly at first, and then in an all-consuming sort of way, my heart grew hard, and I grew proud....and shamed.

It all started with wanting to be liked. I really just wanted everyone to like me, especially the "cool" kids. I assigned a lot of value to externals. If I was pretty enough, I would be good enough. But this quest for acceptance took me down a path with which my sensitive little heart could not cope.

I poured myself into people who gossiped about me, spread rumors, and said terrible things. To try and prove myself, I gave away more and more pieces of my wounded little soul, but to no avail. The more I gave, the more they talked, and so I flipped the switch.

I turned it off, no one was going to hurt me anymore. I would use my shell to keep them out. The pretty face would hide the pain, the body would get her way. And so the pride grew, and the shame grew too.

The point of this blog is that my understanding was darkened little by little as I made decisions without checking in with God first. It wasn't an all-of-a-sudden thing. I walked away from His love one step at a time, and when I ended up in the barren wilderness, thirsty and a shadow of the little girl that once was, I had walked the world a few times through. All those little decisions sure added up.

But here's THE GOOD NEWS, God never stopped pursuing me! He never left. The second I looked up from the blackened ground of that abyss, there He was...and ahhh was He LIGHT! LIGHT! He didn't look at me with an "I told you so" or a "how could you" look. No! He took my face in His hands and smiled into my eyes and without a word, my entire existence was "I love you."

What? How is this even possible. How could He love me after all of that? Why would He paint the most beautiful sunsets to woo me when I had turned my back on Him... after He gave His life to save me? How????? It is beyond my understanding.

God is beyond my understanding. His ways are beyond my understanding. That is why I must trust in Him when I don't understand. That is why I should always check in with Him first, because He knows what's best, and He will always give me what's best when I look to Him and surrender to His love.